Monday, 30 November 2009

A hand on my shoulder

I can always tell when there's something bothering me or just on my mind, since my subconscious tends to cast my dad in a cameo role in one of my dreams. Usually this is unsettling in itself: no matter what he's doing, his very presence nags at me and tells me there's something not right, all isn't as it should be.

The reasons for this will be obvious to those who might recall previous writings about my dad, namely that he's been dead for well over a decade, in fact closer now to a decade and a half. So whenever he appears in a dream scenario, especially if he appears alive and well, then the residue of feelings I have about him tend to resonate with a disquieting plangency.

It reminds me of another dream I sometimes have, that of a loved family cat. In the dream, the cat is sitting purring, contented, on the hot coals of an open fire. The cat looks well, and happy, but I know it shouldn't be, and I have a sense of dread for what must surely be an inevitability.

Last night, my dad was in my dream, but it was different...very different. I was unsettled by my own circumstances, and here was my dad just nearby. Before I could start to think but...hang on, aren't you already...how come you look healthy? or such like, he stood over me, and put a hand on my shoulder.

A very comforting hand on my shoulder. What was communicated from him to me, powerfully but wordlessly, was, it's ok, don't worry. It'll be alright.

This has never been my dream-projection of him before, and on waking this morning, I was quite startled.

7 comments:

Sophia said...

I'm not sure what to say or of any "interpretation" to provide. Not good at those myself. I often dream of my grandmother as if she is still alive, although she has been gone for about 4 years now. She is the only one in my family that loved me truly.

As far as your father, I don't deny that he somehow stepped in to assure you that....yes, everything is going to be OK.

Whatever you are going through, trouser, hang in there. You have friends, even if they are afar.

trousers said...

Hi Sophia, I think what I'm going through is mainly related to the ups and downs detailed in the previous post, and so I imagine that my brain is processing the comedown.

No doubt there are other layers to it, given the dream and its impact, but then there always are. Thanks for your thoughtful words, which are much appreciated.

Fire Byrd said...

So this is either your unconscious reassuring you that all is well and you mustn't fret.
or there is something bigger than you that you can't know about, but is there to watch over you.
whatever just take comfort from the dream as it sounds good to me.
xx

Zhoen said...

The father he should have been reached out to you.

My dreams of disquiet always involve my childhood house, often with my father as well.

tattytiara said...

It really is disconcerting when reoccurring dreams don't go as planned.

zola a social thing said...

In a Kafka type way you could write to your dad ( like I do).

It helps sometimes.

trousers said...

zhoen, I think it's the disconnect between him as a well person and as an unwell/dying person that's what lingers in terms of this specific stuff - he couldn't reach out in those last few months for any number of reasons.

tattytiara, yes - this was a far more positive dream but the unexpected element of it did give me a jolt.

zola, I have done that, a long time ago. I wouldn't rule it out again, but my non-Kafkaesque bloggings about him probably fulfil such a need.