The last couple of weeks have been rather testing. Tense meetings, unmeetable deadlines, a heavy workload and a dollop of expectations on top, plus a garnish of uncertainty and unclear information.
It's been stressful at times. Two nights during this time, I've either turned a few anxious thoughts over in my head in the early hours, or have woken up early and done the same (we'll leave out last weekend where I just did the plain annoying "wake up at work time even though I don't have to and not manage to get back to sleep" which was not about stress) - something I've mostly avoided for a long time now, even in some very exercising circumstances.
But I think the real stress is less about the first couple of sentences above, but about what they stem from: change.
My job is changing and, if all goes well, it's a definite, dead-cert change for the better.
Change is by its very nature unsettling, on so many levels - even though it may be welcome. I realise that so many of my posts, particularly in the early days of this blog, dealt with the fact that I felt like I was in a rut and that I needed things to change - not least my work. At the time I was expecting that this would come from seeking new employment that would help me to head in my desired direction.
I've previously (several times) recorded the fact that my job has, against all my expectations (though in line with all my protestations), nudged in more of a "me" direction: each stage being simultaneously scary - not least the fear of failure - and welcome. Well this time it's less a nudge, and more a big kick in said direction. Thus the fear levels are so much more amplified.
One should be careful what one wishes for. At the moment it's at the (necessary) stage of all effort and no reward. With all the raised anxieties, self-doubt, displacement activity, coping mechanisms good and bad - and hopes - that serve as companions.
Still, as I write this, I feel calm and quiet.
Oh and I bought myself a new mobile phone at the weekend.