Swimming

February appears not to have been particularly conducive to blogging for me, doesn't it?

There's plenty I could talk and rant about, but I've ranted enough - in the workplace, hardly a surprise - and want to try and put it behind me for the sake of the weekend. I don't know how easy that's going to be though, after (as I just put in my reply to Carol on the previous comment thread) a frustrating end to a bewildering and difficult week.

I can tell I'm under stress:

I lost some keys. Only for a few minutes, but I never lose keys. Ever.

I was on my way out of a shop when the man at the counter called me back, I'd left my debit card in the card reader on the counter. I've never ever done that before. Ever. This was after renewing my weekly travel ticket, a day late, which meant that I'd been unwittingly travelling on an out of date pass. I never do that.

Ever.

I walked into a door today. Ouch. It was half-open, I could see that, yet as I passed through the doorway I still managed to hit the door itself.

I've felt too exhausted most evenings, once home, to do much at all. Nothing constructive anyway. Feeling the tiredness in my legs, and the knots in my back and shoulders.

I really hope the weekend is ok, and I hope yours is too.

Thank goodness for soft furnishings

It happened rather more quickly than I expected. Falling apart, that is. It happened yesterday afternoon.

I'd been for a bike ride, and for a while after that I felt a mixture of contentment and tiredness. I relaxed.

Well, I thought I relaxed. The tiredness took a greater hold and the contented feeling was replaced by agitation and unease and a whole bundle of dark, rather stressy thoughts. I tried to distract myself with a few things: a couple of programmes on iPlayer, a few small tasks here and there, but this thing really had me in its grip.

All this on a fine, clear Saturday afternoon with a whole week away from work (and, as of tomorrow, away from these shores) ahead of me. It was frustrating as much as anything, wanting to let go of it all but not being able to.

I knew I was probably dehydrated from the bike ride, and the water I drank took the edge off it a little bit, but I still wasn't ok. I was trying to dismiss the stressy stuff - none of it was anything that I could act upon or make any kind of difference to - but it wouldn't go away.

After another hour or so it felt just a little less intense. I decided I would treat myself, and went to the local curry house for a takeaway. Starter and main course.

Once home I realised just how incredibly hungry I was. I put the starter and the dips onto a plate and swiftly sat down and tucked in. Little pause between that and the main course. Wolfing it down like there was no tomorrow.

I felt tired again, but more of a pleasant, calm tiredness. With it came a steady easing of the stress, and a return of a sense of perspective and rationality: I was ok again, much more settled at last. I now feel like I can look forward to the week ahead, and make the most of it.

Maybe I needed to go through that mini-meltdown to come out the other side. Shed some work-related shite. Now it's time to properly relax and (gasp) enjoy myself.