A little eternity (1996)

An all-too-familiar feeling. Vague physical discomfort, an outward symptom of something nagging incessantly at the back of my mind. Something trying to unseat me from within, make me feel unsafe. Unease. Disquiet.

Here I was in a little room used for consultations. A room seemingly without features, let alone any redeeming ones. Two people sat opposite me, one of whom looked at me intently. I was feeling like I wanted to get out of here at the earliest opportunity, wanted the questions to be over regardless of the outcome.

I desperately tried to control my breathing - and desperately tried to conceal the fact that I was desperately trying to control my breathing. What would they think if they knew? I felt dizzy - my thoughts, my pulse were starting to race seemingly in tandem and I felt short of breath. Try to ignore the thoughts which triggered this off: to delve into those thoughts felt like it was to delve into something very dark: was it something I had done, something remembered, something imaginary? I wasn't sure: but as painful as it would be to go through the whole process of trying to pinpoint those thoughts, analyse them, ruminate on them and somehow try to find a way of making everything ok again, it would be just as hard to temporarily banish them to the back of my unsettled mind.

But I had to. Somehow. Amidst the whirling thoughts and the physical symptoms which seemed to be gearing me up for confrontation or for getting the hell out of here.

I'm a bad person. I'm a mess. They know it. They can tell.

Next question.

Have you ever suffered anxiety or panic attacks?

I couldn't help but inwardly afford myself a bitter smile that this, of all questions, should come up right now. I tried to keep my voice even as the words came out.

Mumbled half-formed sentences followed.

Yes...sometimes it's difficult to cope. I get...it's like everything is...I get scared to go out because I. Er, it's like something's going to happen. Something bad.

I wished I could stop clenching my jaw. Were my attempts at breathing easily noticeable to them? Could they tell that this was what I was going through right now? That the words being spoken between us just felt like background noise in a room full of people shouting at each other? That it was a strain just to try and feel normal? Eye contact wasn't easy, but I had to do it, just because of that word: contact. It might help, just having these points of focus, but it might also serve to betray what I'm going through. Amidst all this, all that shouting in my head, a further question.

Are you able to tell anybody or get help when this happens?

Fucking hell, how patronising, I thought. How can you tell anybody when this happens? It's like running up to someone who thinks you're a fundamentally decent person and telling them that you're mad. You fear the response and that just makes the destructive cycle worse. You seal yourself in and just try and deal with the symptoms and rake over the thoughts - over and over, like some forced exercise in internal map reading, the terrain of which is harsh and unwelcoming.

A further mumbled answer.

More questions.

Do you take any medication?

Easy enough question to answer: factual rather than reliant on being able to express thoughts and feelings. Good: more like that please.

I felt shattered. The room wasn't getting any bigger or more inviting. The door was still the same distance from my seat, yet still seemed an eternity away. Freedom if I went through it now, before this was over, but what if there were consequences? The thoughts - including all those nameless, shapeless, malevolent ones - still whirled.

The voices spoken in the room still like something barely discernible in the background.

They must be able to tell. Or am I doing a convincing job of concealing this panic? Well they hadn't reacted to me any differently, we were still sat here.

More questions. We were finally away from the intrusive, searching questions and into the realms of the mundane. Name and address of GP, next of kin, thankfully no more delving into hospital admissions, how you behave when you're unwell, raking over painful personal history.

Finally, a perfunctory, almost businesslike, we'll be in touch - and I was free to go.

Fresh air. Space. Freedom - and I realised I had managed to control the panic attack. I was tired, unsettled, but much calmer. Maybe I was actually starting to get better at dealing with this.



The thing I should point out here is that - yes, I was the one who was having the panic symptoms: I was also the one who was asking the questions, carrying out the assessment not being on the receiving end of it.

Diversion (2)

It feels good to be sitting in warmth and comfort, having just enjoyed the delights of a simple but tasty salad with pastrami. Whereas outside the sky is looking ever more threatening (well less a threat and more a promise I would have said, on the evidence of the previous 24 or so hours): any minute now the heavens are surely going to open and it's going to absolutely twat it down with rain (to use a meteorological term).

I managed to get out on the bike for an hour or two earlier on, and it was a welcome diversion: due to the aforementioned weather I'd all but written off the chances of going out, and was lucky to get out during a relatively prolonged dry spell. It' s not that I've a problem cycling in bad weather (though the ferocity of the gusts of wind didn't exactly add to the appeal), more the case that a lot of the places on my various cycling routes tend to get waterlogged/flooded to the point of being impassable on a road bike, which hardly makes for an enjoyable ride.

I'd forgotten about this tendency until I found myself cycling along a road which had huge puddles on it, the biggest of which was just under a foot deep (and about 25 feet long). Thankfully that was the only such obstacle today and it was easy enough to negotiate (he says blithely, not caring about the nearby house which had sandbags up against the door).

The point of all this is that the cycling has helped me to relax, it was much-needed. I had a very productive day yesterday and got a lot of work done that I needed to do regarding the music. It was also one of those times where beer helped a lot, it helped me just to concentrate and focus to the exclusion of everything else.

Today however on listening back to where I'm at with it, I felt a lot of doubt creeping in: is this/am I any good? Is it/am I ridiculous? - and so on. So I've definitely felt the benefit of a change of scenery, of doing something relatively strenuous and which doesn't exactly require much thought or self-reflection.

On the other hand the sense of urgency which I'm feeling from time to time can actually be helpful, but sometimes it's good to take a step back or a complete diversion from it all, and at least I've been able to do that today.